no

last night i stuck to my guns. hell yeah. i said no, stuck to it, and feel damn proud of myself. woohoo! temptation temptation. f*** off. who’s the man. ha-ha. am i getting stronger? not sure, but so far, this year is going well… hope it stays that way…

limited movement

it’s been 3 days since doc removed that little critter from my back. so glad it’s out. i’ve been going to sleep on my stomach, and when i can’t any longer, i slowly switch to my back. this morning i woke up at 6 and i couldn’t get up, literally. then i figured it out… i took a deep breath, held it tight and tightened my body (kinda like when you lift something heavy), and then i was able to turn over and get up. hope it’s part of the normal recovery process.

well the worst part was when the numbness ran out and i felt the the doc cutting it out… oh man… i think i have a whole new appreciation for anesthesia. haha. hopefully it gets better soon… i start school mañana and hopefully i can carry my books - those suckers better not be fat. looks like it’s going to be good weather too… i would like to go on my biking adventures… but looks like i’ll at least have to wait until the stitches are out. aww.

my but is sore

so on new years i go for a 40 mi bike ride. yeah! i was on my way to visit a good friend of mine, but after thinking about it, i realized i wouldn’t have enough energy to bike back so i went to my sisters instead. well i’ll see him in the weekend i hope.

oh boy… my but hurts. i need to buy me those cushioned shorts. man… i had my gps in my backpack and had headphones connected to it… i know it’s not good to listen to music while biking because i need to be aware of what’s going on… but i wasn’t… just hearing the occasional turn here and there…

so instead of going on major roads only, it took me on a lot of turns… and some of those had very poor light (or not any)… then all of a sudden BUMP, haha. ouch. some bumpy roads. being it was night time, i could hardly make out anything… bit scary actually. i need to buy some lights too.

up to no good

so i figured something out… my little put put maxes about 100 up hill and while going straight it maxes about 125. i’ll prob stop now… i mean i’ve already kinda peaked my interests as far as my car goes. i think it’s time i go to the racetrack. dang it, i forgot the name of the place Diane was telling me about… well i’m sure there’s a ton, i’ll just google it or something.

lately i’ve been working by night and sleeping by day. no good. i miss the sun. i also missed a bunch of phone calls. oops. i gotta break the rhythm. but tonight it looks like i’m going to be up, at least for a bit, since i got up not long ago. think i’ll do some voip related research…

ehhh… haha

damn it. if it’s not one thing it’s another. i just learned that my credit might be screwed up by a utility bill i wasn’t responsible for. ehhh. looks like my credit will be down for a couple months until this is sorted out.

but now the good things…well last week i had my first cigarette, haha. i need to write that before i forget. oh yeah it was crap… not all of it–i mean drinking beer and having a smoke with a couple of guys was… well let’s say i need hang out more with guys. but the next morning was crap, ha-ha… hadn’t felt like that in quite some time.

…and on Christmas day i got my magicJack SIP info!!! yeah, i know, i’ll explain later on… need about a week or so to fully test the thing…

fricken curve ball

damn. so i’ve been debating in my head whether to ask someone for help, and if so whom. well today i was about to ask someone to help me out with something but oh boy. right now i just feel sad overall i guess at this world. i honest-to-goodness was on my way to seeking help, and i got a curve ball. wtf (not at you). i feel like the odds are against me and something evil really wants me to fail. i’m not sure if you understood what i said that night, or how much of it you took to heart, but i care about you. looks like i might be helping you, ha-ha. i hope you call me if you need something. you better. i don’t want you to get tainted like me. but most of all whatever you do, know i’ll always be your friend. i guess i’ll just have to figure something else out. i’m kinda so down and a bit mad (again, not at you) that maybe i’ll just quit cold turkey.

no more

so the ‘graduation’ ceremony was on monday. hell yeah. i was so damn happy that day. last day of work I was thinking in my mind. i’ve never been so excited about leaving a job, but then at the ceremony, the two students said really good comments about me… how i was patient showing them this and that, etc. the students kind of make me want to stay and continue for the next session, although i’m not even sure i can with my class schedule next quarter. then the president of the company tells me how one of the student’s life changed so much because of what i had shown him, that he’s moving to another better school, etc. i was a bit surprised i could really make that impact. so should i stay? but then i talk the student’s parents after it was over and they tell me they’re moving as their son has received threats from others, and people have gotten shot. i felt bad and wished them well. now i knew the truth.

what this company provides is a really good service, but i can’t survive off of 4 hours a week of work and the PCs we donate are hella old. i gotta go, but first i need to turn in the students’ documentation and give back the leftover pcs, and then i’m done with this job. they’re prob better off with someone else anyways…

handcuffed (yet again)

defenseless and restless

Calm outside but inside
at my worst, ready to burst.
I’m not lying when I say I’m dying.

Forgiveness makes mends so we can still be friends,
but the memories haunt me and won’t let me be.
I could use a little Alzheimers here, or perhaps a beer.

Remaining weak despite the strength I seek,
I’m not sure how things will turn - if I’ll burn
or if Jesus my pal will make things all well.

…

vroom vroom

It’s just a 4 cylinder put put
but the driver’s becoming a nut.

Whenever i go for a ride
with no one by my side,
it quickly becomes a thrill
if the traffic isn’t still.

I hear the rubber burn
and my tires squeak as i turn.
Oh darn that sneaky black and white!
Tis a pity you weren’t in my sight.

…

etc etc

Now you can probably see a different kind of me,
but it’s not just on the road where i implode…

With all my falls, the devil’s got me by the balls.
I’m sorry everyone — I know I haven’t been quite the son.
In the end I just hope love will win, and cleanse me of all my sin.

breathe in, breathe out

So today after my final I went out with some buddies from school to Sahara Cafe in Pomona. First time I had hookah. Guess that means I don’t have virgin lungs anymore. Ha-ha. But I don’t care anymore, so long as I don’t do that other thing. So I was inhaling and exhaling that apple something or other while I was showing Joseph how to play chess. He picked up rather quickly… got some help but he still beat me second time around, ha-ha. Nice. I missed an assignment due that night, but I’d say it was worth it. Oh yeah, almost forgot, I very much enjoyed the music they played… Arabic if I’m not mistaken.

a better day

I haven’t written anything for quite some time, although I’ve wanted to. I’ve been kind of scared to write what I feel for fear it’ll just become more real or permanent. Maybe later.

But today is going quite well. First, on my way from my car to school, the wind was blowing my hair around and brushing up against my skin. It felt sooo good. I love the wind!

I start doing some work at the usual hang out place outside the marketplace. I think I’ve been missing class quite a bit because I hadn’t seen some of the old gang for a while. It was good to see some familiar faces.

I read an e-mail response from Moises. Thanks for getting back. I love ya man. Winter break around the corner… It seems like Lavi might be getting into a new vanship. Claus is really happy for you. Fly high! Being a TA, I got an e-mail from someone thanking me for something and addressing me as Mr. Ha-ha. I’m not a prof! But I don’t mind.